Jokes : I want candy

School Excuses

The following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. (Squirts)

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach.

Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother a low grade fever and ached allover. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


And the best one...
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was not his fault.

lol this was a good read ~ great way to start my day

Age Cruise

A man and his wife, now in their 60`s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Ugly People

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.

This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper,and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, and began rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" he said. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long , but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

In a city park stood two statues, one female, and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods, and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, - But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll sh!t on its head!"

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and
then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend?

She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
wore tight mini-skirts, and low cut blouses.

She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom , and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"


The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

Daniel wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.

Daniel looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.

LoveYou!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Daniel asks: "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says: "Well, you came home around 3 am drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Daniel asks: "So,why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies" "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said,"LADY,LEAVE ME ALONE,I"M
MARRIED!!"(Guys you better memorise this till it becomes second nature.)

MORAL of the tale:

Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS

A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the plane when the stranger
turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "Ok" said little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. He felt sore for two weeks.
Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
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The polar bear said:- "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting did you?"

Little Jordan was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him he truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Jordan just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"

There is an assembly atahigh school about ghosts. The annoucer says " How many of you have seen a ghost?", half the people stand up,"How many of you have touched a ghost?"he contiues about a fourth of the people stand up, then the speaker continues to say "how many of you have made love with a ghost?", one guy way in the back stands up, they bring him up to the front of the auditorium and ask him "you have made love with a ghost?" the kid replies " ghost? I thought you said goat."